I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
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A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise