Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
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Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall