me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
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If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
How all things should be taught/explained.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.