when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
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Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
just witnessed a drug deal
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years