Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
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Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Nothing to do, you say?
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
What’s so funny?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.