wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
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The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
me irl
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.