“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
? 💀
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”