Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
You Might Also Like
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.