Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
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Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Whisper out to librarians!
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Saint West, the patron of selfies