the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
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The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.