Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
You Might Also Like
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.