A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
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His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend