Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
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After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Reporter: *ports again*
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”