My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
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As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad