Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
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It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.