trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it鈥檚 there to stab potential taco thieves.
I鈥檓 a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob鈥檚 superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That鈥檚 your eulogy?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
if you compliment a dude鈥檚 shirt, you better mean it, because that鈥檚 the only shirt he鈥檒l wear out for the next five years.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 馃崬
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 馃槅
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God鈥檚 plan for us and I don鈥檛 think we鈥檙e going back to church anymore.
describing stardew valley
To clean up or just move. This is the question.