Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
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Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
it is time once again
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one