“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
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Yoga Matt
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
smartest karate player in the world
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.