My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
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I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
How wrong was this guy?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.