I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
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The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.