*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
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I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
White parent Vs Arab parents
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?