A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
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“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.