eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
You Might Also Like
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.