I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
You Might Also Like
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
best first i’ve ever seen
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*