*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
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MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Your secret is safeish with me
The Struggle
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”