sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
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Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
found this cool rock hiking today
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile