NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
You Might Also Like
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”