Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
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i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
He wanted to make sure😂
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?