[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
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first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”