this country is so goddamn polarized
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Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
peeping toms
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
My daily affirmation
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Trumpy Cat