Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
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In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Damn he played himself
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down