Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
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Beware…..
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.