Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
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me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.