I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
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After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Worlds greatest photobomb
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.