Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
scrabbled eggs
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.