Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
You Might Also Like
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.