Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
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You’re the water to my grease fire.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
#Caturday
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Sorry. Not sorry
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.