Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
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Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
[montage of me giving-up]
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
canadian assassins are called killergrams
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
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