Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
IT’S-A ME,
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.