[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
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Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
i choose….tongue
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Had to try this trend 😊
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I enjoy a good short stor