I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
You Might Also Like
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
me after eating Cheetos
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
“what’s it like having a sister?”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?