Me, after a minor inconvenience:
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I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
shut up and take my money
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Whoa 😂
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.