When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
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I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
doing your own taxes
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.