“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
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While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates