peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
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ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me