[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
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911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss