“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
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If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I’ve been drinking.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.