Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
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I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.