“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
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Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
When I said I liked it rough.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.