writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
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You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today